The Ghost of College Past

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From the time we start school till the time we finish high school, the idea of going to college is engrained in our brains. We’re told, if you want to make something of yourself and your life you must attend college. Sadly, that’s almost always the truth.

Now a days it’s nearly impossible to get a job without a college degree. Without the ability to get a job how are we supposed to pay our insane tuition? The two go hand in hand.

As a high school junior, this is the year where the preparation for college truly begins. Taking the SAT and ACT, making sure your grades are at their peak, getting all that community service and choosing what you want to do with your life. It’s a little unfair that we can’t even legally make decisions for ourselves yet we’re supposed to pick what we want to do with the rest of our lives at 17.

College has always been a priority, but now that my departure to a 4 year university is creeping up, the whole process is becoming pretty scary and overwhelming. First off, I don’t even know what I want to do for sure yet. Secondly, looking at colleges those numbers are pretty terrifying. My mom is a single mother and my dad isn’t a part of my life, so the idea of paying for college is one of the daunting thoughts in my mind. I constantly wonder how I’m going to afford it and although I try my best not to narrow my school selection down based on pricing…I can’t help it. I know, no matter what I’m leaving college with mounds of debt…but why?

College is expected of today’s youth yet it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars and most can’t afford it. That just seems a little messed up. Maybe if college was more affordable, we would have more people graduating and attending. Yes, there are scholarships but that doesn’t cover all of it, unless you get a full ride, which is extremely difficult.

Lucky for me, I’m currently getting a year and a half of free college education due to the program I’m in. I do Middle College, which is basically me finishing high school while earning college credits as a full time SBCC student. It’s an amazing program and looking at tuition prices, I’m so grateful to be getting free college education right now. What’s neat about this program is, if I work my ass off for the next year I can graduate with most of my general ed’s for college so I can apply as a transfer student and hopefully only do 2 years at a 4 year university.

College man, it’s a pretty scary thing. There’s so much pressure on you your last 2 years of high school…it’s nuts.

A Special Day

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What is it about a good day that can give you such a positive outlook on life? Maybe it’s the endorphin rush you’ve been getting for the last 12 hours but whatever it is, it’s fucking fantastic.

It isn’t always easy looking on the bright side of things, in actuality it’s really difficult and if you can under any circumstance I applaud you immensely. Today was a perfect day, relaxing afternoon on the beach picnicking with my date, watching movies together afterwards and then dinner. It couldn’t have gone better and it really is a positive thing. Not just because my date went well, but because little things like that help keep my new found happiness alive.

Since leaving high school, I have never been happier. Sometimes things still manage to get me down, like doing bad on a test or being held late at work, but all in all my life is pretty great right now. It’s hard to see my best friend still suffering in high school though, I wish there was a way for her to get out but her parents are so fucking stubborn.

I think the amounts of happiness taken from situations are dependent on the individual…except high school. That place is 4 years of living hell. Drama, petty bullshit and social lives based off of the stupidest things. There’s no way to avoid it because that is all high school is. Middle college is honestly the best alternative, it’s given me a new outlook on life and it’s created a pathway to success I could have never imagined prior.

Relish the Release

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Last night was more than just your average Monday evening. Laying in bed, texting friends and Tumblring away (per usual) I decided I was tired of the monotonous bullshit that surrounds a particular friendship I have…or had.

My best friend and I have known each other since 8th grade; we are both currently juniors in high school. She’s in traditional high school where as I am in Middle College so I go to school at SBCC. During the first two years of our friendship we had a boatload of drama surrounding other friendships and boys. This lead to us not being friends for a year or so. Finally when we were both accepted into the MAD Academy at our high school we became friends again due to the mutual feeling of hatred about everyone else in the academy. Our friendship few and now we’re best friends…well were. I’m not sure where we stand at this point.

I don’t know about her but I got tired of the stupid, repetitive cycles that play out between our friend group almost daily, in particular between her and her boyfriend. Every since they started dating it just feels like I no longer have a sincere friendship with her boyfriend, who was one of my best friends prior to them dating.

A large factor of why this friendship began going down hill in my opinion is maturity and circumstance. Once I left high school, we were no longer required to see each other everyday which definitely takes a toll on ones friendship. There is also a distinct difference between the maturity level of college kids and high schoolers. Even though technically I’m the same age as those in high school, due to constantly being surrounded by college people at work and school, I’ve grown up immensely. It’s not that I feel like I’m better then my high school friends, I just feel like we are on two different levels and in two different places in our lives. None of my friends have jobs or the same amount of freedom I do so all these circumstances take part in how our friendships progress…or don’t.

Last night when the fight between my best friend and I broke out, I started to question if I should just back down and let the friendship remain the way it was. That was the little angel on my shoulder speaking, but the devil spoke up and told me to stand my ground because there is no reason to stay in a situation that makes you upset. Clearly my little devil shoulder was correct. I stood my ground and said exactly what I thought and felt about the the situation. She wasn’t too happy about it. Particularly because she isn’t the talking type, when you say something she doesn’t like she won’t talk about it, she will just shut you out. I noticed her trying to talk about what was being thrown out there but it clearly wasn’t working because it ended with her saying, “So how about you fuck off.” I responded with, “Sounds fantastic.”

So basically that is where our friendship stands. At “fuck off.” I’ve given it a lot of thought this morning and last night. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve become so accustomed to pain or because I’m finally wearing my big girl pants, but I’m not sad about the situation. Yes, it does hurt that I just lost my best friend but at the same time I feel freed. I feel like I am able to start fresh after spring break and grow up. I’ll be able to make new friends who may in actuality be older, but are at my same level. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and this situation is no different. The meaning will come around at some point but for now, I am able to be calm and stress free knowing the petty BS in my life is done.

The New Side

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There comes a day in everyones life when everything changes, for many graduating high school and heading to college is that time. In my case, I opted to jump into college halfway through my junior year.

I’m confident that I can do well in college but it’s a whole new world. A college desk is no different than a high school desk and you still feel like the “new kid” walking around, it’s a strange place to be at 17. Walking around campus yesterday I started to become nostalgic, missing high school, my friends and that feeling of belonging. What’s ironic is that I hated high school and wanted out so badly but suddenly when I got my chance and it all began, I started to wonder if I made the right choice.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed in my life. Trying to crash 3 different English classes and not being able to get into any, struggling to figure out a schedule that will work and having to do all my homework and work on top of that…it’s a lot. I’ve always wanted to be an “adult” and be treated like one…it’s finally starting to happen and it’s not as fun as one would think. I’m trying to take a step back from it all and relax, allow myself to realize it’s all out of my control but it’s so hard to let go of the reigns when it feels like your future is on the line.