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BE YOU! 

The biggest issue in relationships is the idea of loosing yourself. It’s a beautiful thing to be lost in love but it’s not always healthy. If you as an equal in a relationship can be lost in love but be grounded and know who you are 100 percent, that is bliss.

It’s hard. Getting caught up in your partners life and changing aspects of yourself for them is normal, it happens to everyone. The idea of knowing yourself is a powerful one. If you are confident enough and know yourself well enough it’s nearly impossible to loose yourself…not matter how in love you are.

I spent eight months of my life last year lost. I was with someone who I was madly in love with, but when I was with him  I wasn’t myself. It was scary when we broke up because I left like I was floating in the middle of nowhere. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I lost all my friends because I spent every waking moment I had with him so I had no one to turn too when we ended. It’s truly frightening. I gave up so much of myself to be “his perfect girl,” but truthfully I didn’t know I was doing it until after things ended. I looked back and had a moment of realization, noticing how much of myself I lost in our relationship and I vowed to never do so again.

In the six or seven months since the breakup, I have found myself. I’m no longer the passive girl who wouldn’t stand her ground like I was before. I have gained a new sense of confidence and the ability to truly be happy by myself. It’s serving me well. Almost every aspect of my life is going well, I haven’t had an anxiety attack in months and I feel stronger than ever.

The thing about finding yourself that is so beautiful is that you no longer turn to others. Not in the sense that you don’t have friends but more like you don’t look at them and try to reflect what you see upon yourself. Finding yourself gives you a feeling of true strength.

It also serves well when looking into new relationships. I’ve started dating officially now and by knowing myself, I am more equipped to choose a good partner. When something happens that I don’t like, I’m no longer scared to say no or stand up for myself and it’s amazing because I’ve truly finding good people through these abilities.

Don’t rush the process of finding yourself. It took me a really long time, it’s taken years and it just so happened that being single really helped. It takes time. It takes the conscious effort to focus on yourself and your needs, which is scary for some. Don’t loose hope if your trying and aren’t there yet. It’s possible for everyone, it just takes will power to carve your own path.

 

 

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A Special Day

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What is it about a good day that can give you such a positive outlook on life? Maybe it’s the endorphin rush you’ve been getting for the last 12 hours but whatever it is, it’s fucking fantastic.

It isn’t always easy looking on the bright side of things, in actuality it’s really difficult and if you can under any circumstance I applaud you immensely. Today was a perfect day, relaxing afternoon on the beach picnicking with my date, watching movies together afterwards and then dinner. It couldn’t have gone better and it really is a positive thing. Not just because my date went well, but because little things like that help keep my new found happiness alive.

Since leaving high school, I have never been happier. Sometimes things still manage to get me down, like doing bad on a test or being held late at work, but all in all my life is pretty great right now. It’s hard to see my best friend still suffering in high school though, I wish there was a way for her to get out but her parents are so fucking stubborn.

I think the amounts of happiness taken from situations are dependent on the individual…except high school. That place is 4 years of living hell. Drama, petty bullshit and social lives based off of the stupidest things. There’s no way to avoid it because that is all high school is. Middle college is honestly the best alternative, it’s given me a new outlook on life and it’s created a pathway to success I could have never imagined prior.

“Okay”

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A lot of people have very different ideas of what’s “okay.” These ideas greatly depend on how you grow up but I’d say one of the biggest areas where’s issues on what is okay and whats not are in regards to sexuality. I don’t get why, we’re all sexual beings, each of us was created from sex so what’s the big deal?

For instance, I have this one friend whose parents are extremely stringent. It’s as if they forgot they had to have sex to make her. She and I went on this trip to Mexico with our school to build houses. Of course we thought, hey maybe it’d be fun to have sex in a foreign country, so we bought some condoms are a gas station just in case the opportunity arose. We didn’t end up using them with anyone so she took them home. She emptied the actual condoms into a secret box and hid the condom box inside some trash and put it at the bottom of her trash can. Then when her mom took the trash out, she dug through it, found the box and confronted my friend. Honestly when she told me that, I was just in awe. I didn’t know people’s were that damn nosey.

It’s weird for me personally to be in homes or places where sexuality isn’t openly accepted. I grew up in a household were it was always an available topic of discussion. So when I’m at my friends houses where I can’t openly say “fuck” or talk about sex it’s almost shocking because I’m so accustomed to being really open. It makes me wonder how I will be as a parent and if I’ll be as open with my kids as my mom was with me. I can only hope so because during the time when my parents weren’t as open, I went a tad downhill and I wouldn’t wish that upon my kids when I have them.

 

Define “Date”

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What does it mean to go on a “date”? Like who made up the rules to say that this is a date and that isn’t, it doesn’t seem that logical but the boundaries are there so what are they?

As stereotypical as this is, a big part of what makes it a date or not revolves around who pays. It’s socially accepted that if the boy pays then it’s a date. I disagree. Money is money, it’s not as if the boys money is better because it’s in the pocket of the person with the penis so why does who pays define the romantic level of the encounter. It’s stupid to think it can only be a date if the boy pays…what if your girlfriend wants to take you out! It’s still a date.

There’s also the “where are you going” aspect. I’ve met people who think going to the movies to make-out the whole time is a date…I’ve been on those kinds of dates, they aren’t fun…that is NOT a date. If I wanted to just tongue tango with you, we should have just gone to a park or someones house. There is really no need to pay $20 bucks if a kiss is all you want. I’ve always wondered if it makes the guy feel like less of an asshole if he pays for something for you prior to kissing you instead of just going for it. Just food for thought 😉

When it comes to a date, there shouldn’t be any rules or regulations. It should be about two people getting to know one another and seeing if there’s a spark. Chemistry isn’t built through the movies or dinners, it isn’t built at all. If there is chemistry it will be there naturally and both parties will feel it. There is no need to make a fuss about who asks for the check, if through that little outing you found something worth asking for date two, the goal has been met.

Closing Doors

 

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Relationships all have a start and an end…the key to surviving them is to know how to move on. I was in a relationship for 8 months and when I wasn’t happy anymore, I ended things. In the beginning I didn’t think moving on would be possible…#foreveralone. I soon realized that my happiness comes from myself, not having some boy in my life.

Getting over someone is very abstract. Everyone has their own ways to do it. I tried the whole rebound scene…wasn’t for me and then I tried the “just do you” tactic. That one worked magic. When I took a step back and focused on myself everything just started going my way. I focused on school, my health and my friends. Giving those aspects of life my all, but I still secretly wanted a companion…it wasn’t the thing driving me though.

I finally just decided after a few not so spectacular dates that I wasn’t going to look anymore. If I was destined to meet someone it would happen. To my surprise I met an amazing guy at the photo shoot I did in LA this past weekend and it’s made me feel a way I haven’t in an extremely long time..that’s how I know it’s real.

I moved on from my ex, but it was made clear that he hadn’t done the same today. He asked to have lunch so I agreed because I thought we were going to work it out and be friends. After we ate, he told me we couldn’t have any contact because it was too hard too see me happy or with someone else because he wasn’t. He explained that he still wasn’t over me and I didn’t know what to say because all my feelings towards him were gone. I agreed to his requests and it was the best choice I could have made. It feels like the door to that area of my past has been closed for good. Its quite refreshing in fact.

Now that my past has been settled, I am ready to move forward completely. I knew I was okay before and ready to live my life but knowing that I won’t have to deal with that experience ever again puts me at ease. Everything has been settled and it’s time for me to open a new chapter in my life.

What’s Your Fillosophee?

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This weekend was probably the most amazing one I’ve had in a very long time. Friday was spent in Malibu and Santa Monica with my best friend, Saturday was work (blah), Sunday was spent doing a photo shoot for the amazing brand Fillosophee and then Monday after class this guy I met at the shoot, Alex, got me a train ticket to go down and spend his last day in Cali with him!

It’s kind of funny, I never thought a weekend like this would ever happen and it turned out even better than expected. You see, I met this boy. The one who bought me the train ticket to see him before he flew back to Ohio. We met at the shoot, he’s one of the companies sponsored BMX riders and I was modeling…we just hit it off instantly. Even the crew all thought we were dating. It was surreal meeting him just because who would have ever guessed I would have met someone so amazing at a photo shoot. Hell, our first kiss was me getting off the train and him kissing me right then and there. Talk about my movie moment fantasy coming true! He lives in Ohio which blows…but he wants to move to CA this summer so hopefully that works out!

Boys lately haven’t exactly been working out for me. After my last relationship I’m very on edge about getting involved with people and although I’ve gone on a few dates these last couple months…it just didn’t seem like there was enough chemistry with anyone. I think the reason I met Alex was because I just stopped looking… ironic because the moment I just gave up consciously trying to find a guy, I found one. So what’s your Fillosophee? Mine is : just take a step back, work hard, do what you love and good things will come…don’t force anything. Comment yours!

P.S. I know thats not actually how you spell the word Fillosophee but that’s how the brand spells it!

 

The New Side

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There comes a day in everyones life when everything changes, for many graduating high school and heading to college is that time. In my case, I opted to jump into college halfway through my junior year.

I’m confident that I can do well in college but it’s a whole new world. A college desk is no different than a high school desk and you still feel like the “new kid” walking around, it’s a strange place to be at 17. Walking around campus yesterday I started to become nostalgic, missing high school, my friends and that feeling of belonging. What’s ironic is that I hated high school and wanted out so badly but suddenly when I got my chance and it all began, I started to wonder if I made the right choice.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed in my life. Trying to crash 3 different English classes and not being able to get into any, struggling to figure out a schedule that will work and having to do all my homework and work on top of that…it’s a lot. I’ve always wanted to be an “adult” and be treated like one…it’s finally starting to happen and it’s not as fun as one would think. I’m trying to take a step back from it all and relax, allow myself to realize it’s all out of my control but it’s so hard to let go of the reigns when it feels like your future is on the line.