Family Dynamic

how-i-became-a-life-family-dynamics-coach-21724059

Families are so fucking crazy. The bonds you have with your family members are some of the strongest but they’re also some of the most complicated. As a kid all the emotions that correlate with the family dynamic are amplified.

There are a ton of different types of families. Some are more conservative, some are pretty out there, some strict, some laid back, some crazy and some just plain weird…the thing is we can’t see what we really have, especially as kids and teens. When your a teenager, especially in high school, you look at everyone else and wish you had their life and their family. They seem “perfect.” That isn’t real. It look a long time to learn this, but EVERY family has their issues, some are just better at hiding them.

Here’s a shortened version of my family life. My mom got pregnant with me at 25, my biological father’s mother wanted me aborted and my biological dad wasn’t close to being ready to be a parent. My mom kept me, clearly ha. She met my step dad when I was three and when I was five I got a little brother. My family was pretty nice, not too strict but we definitely had rules…most of them coming from my dad because my mom’s very laid back. My step dad had apparently been cheating for years and finally my parents split up after being together for 14 years. Now they’re divorced and don’t talk. My brother goes back and forth between households each week and I live with my mom full time with basically zero contact with my step dad. There’s the gist.

The thing about my family is the current relationship between my mother and step dad really cause the most problems. My step dad basically broke every agreement they made regarding introducing my brother and I too new partners and rules for the kids. So there is so trust there. It causes my brother to be put in the middle because he is young and can’t/won’t stand up to my step father because he still loves him. I choose to have no contact with my step dad simply because I think he is an ass for what he did to my mother and the way he just let me go, abandoning me.

From the outside, you would have no idea. You’d just see a single mother working to support her kids, but there is so much under the surface that people on the outside can’t see. A little bit of knowledge that everyone should have is that everything is pretty on the surface…dig a little deeper and you’ll be surprised what you might find. Also, don’t talk/judge if you don’t know. So many people have their own struggles they’re dealing with and you antagonizing them about it if you don’t know the truth does nothing but hurt them.

I Cantaloupe

cantaloupe

 

Marriage is a beautiful thing, its the uniting of two individuals to create one. I don’t think marriage should be rushed or done through betrayal. Which is precisely why I will not be attending my step-father’s wedding in Mexico this summer.

My biological pops isn’t in the picture, he dipped out when I was born and I’ve only met him once, ironically, I never want to meet him again. So when I was three my mom introduced me to the guy she’d been dating, Todd. They continued dating for the next 12 years and I consider him my father, but due to recent circumstances the common term I used for him, “dad”, is now consciously being changed to “step-dad.” Simply due to the fact that I think he is an asshole. (Sorry to be so blunt)

You see, he and my mom never got married…aka he never proposed and then after a solid 12 years of togetherness he goes and cheats on her. I have a little brother so because of us my parents worked things out and stayed together, but history repeats itself and he cheated again…and again. Finally my parents split up.

Then came the hard part, my younger brother was destroyed by it and that was the hardest thing for me to witness, and the fact that my mother was so hurt by it all. My step-dad acted as if none of it mattered and it wasn’t his fault, that’s why I think he is an ass. Custody became and issue and because I’m old enough legally to make those decisions, I live with my mom full time where sadly, my little brother has to go back and forth each week.

Once again my step-dad broke trust when he introduced his new girlfriend to my brother and I before the agreed 6 months of dating my parents had discussed. Another reason to think he’s a jerk. I choose to distance myself from him and his new family. His girlfriend…well now fiance, has a daughter who just so happens to be very close in age to the time my step-dad took me on, ironic huh?

The thing about my step-dad is, he wants but he won’t give. I don’t play that way. If you want something from me, you must give effort back and I will reciprocate especially when it comes to having a relationship. I won’t do a one sided relationship, either both parties put effort in or I’m out. I initially tried and didn’t get anything in return so I gave up. Having a relationship with him is no longer important to me, but now he’s putting in half assed effort and expects me to be all for it and attend his wedding with some woman he’s known for less than a year…no thank you.

Hypocritical is the New Black

It’s almost comical how you can say and do one thing and turn around and do the complete opposite. It’s like, oh hey, let’s tell so and so not to do this thing but then lets go and do that exact thing in a couple days. It’s just not fair. I don’t get people who are hypocritical and I don’t get why it’s become such a trend.

Now, I don’t want to get ahead of myself and say I’m the Almighty Athena who has never done anything hypocritical in her life. In fact, I do it quite often. It’s not something I necessarily want to do or intend to do, but it just proves my point that we all do it. It only makes sense though, that we are as humans hypocritical because it’s always easier to give advice to someone else but it’s not always easy to take that advice.

I’ve dealt with my fair share of hypocrites and I’ve been called one plenty of times, but I feel it’s harder to control when your young. Where as when your older it should be something your able to recognize and terminate when the behavior shows it’s ugly head.

That is why I don’t take it lightly when people in my family are hypocritical of me. The most prominent example I have of that is all the times my dad has called me out for being immature. Just because I stopped putting in effort to have a relationship with him after he basically stepped out of my life that makes me immature in his eyes? How does that make sense? He is the adult and he is also my father, it’s his job to take initiative in rekindling our relationship, not mine. I say that because I’ve tried, I’ve put in a serious effort to try to get things back to how they were when I was younger but he shuts me down every time.

A lot of the shutting down also ones from me. He’s asked me to come over for dinner or to hangout and I just don’t want too. I’m not supportive of his marriage and I don’t want to put myself in that situation where I have to converse with his fiancĂ© and her daughter. It’s not something I am willing to do, even for the sake of our relationship. I want a father daughter relationship…not a father daughter plus his little family in tow relationship.

In my eyes it’s hypocritical of him to blame me for not wanting a relationship or putting in effort to have one, when he does the exact same thing!

I feel somewhat hypocritical writing this. What am I doing complaining about all this stuff? Maybe somewhere out there on the internet my dad has a blog and is writing about how frustrated he is with his life, but I guess we’ll never know. All I’m trying to say, simply put, is it sucks to in a world with so many people saying one thing and doing the opposite.