Spreading the Love

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Today I assisted some friends in a little film project they had to do. The theme…adventure.

Now that’s a pretty broad theme, we could have chosen anything to film but we decided to do this. We headed to staples, got a couple posters and a pink marker, then headed home. We made a couple signs that said “Free Hugs and Kisses, You Choose.” We got the idea from a Tumblr post we saw where this guy stood on the corner holding a sign saying Free Kisses.

Honestly, the experience was pretty fucking cool. We wondered around filming the adventure. First we got mauled by a group of 50 or so little kids on a field trip who wanted free hugs. Then I got a smooch from one of the guys in this group of what I think were lifeguards because they were all wearing red. Continuing on we both got a bunch of hugs. Then I got another kiss from this skater boy standing, talking on his phone. He went in for the smooch and then dipped me, it was pretty cute not going to lie.

We continued strolling around, getting all kinds of hugs and kisses on the cheek. One woman went up to my friend David and hugged him super tight, saying it was just one of those days where she needed a hug. It melted all of our hearts. By the end of the day, it didn’t become about getting the best shots or anything, it became about putting a smile on peoples facing and giving them a pick me up.

We did get some really cool shots though and the video, once edited should turn out awesome! It was one for the books. One crazy adventure.

Relish the Release

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Last night was more than just your average Monday evening. Laying in bed, texting friends and Tumblring away (per usual) I decided I was tired of the monotonous bullshit that surrounds a particular friendship I have…or had.

My best friend and I have known each other since 8th grade; we are both currently juniors in high school. She’s in traditional high school where as I am in Middle College so I go to school at SBCC. During the first two years of our friendship we had a boatload of drama surrounding other friendships and boys. This lead to us not being friends for a year or so. Finally when we were both accepted into the MAD Academy at our high school we became friends again due to the mutual feeling of hatred about everyone else in the academy. Our friendship few and now we’re best friends…well were. I’m not sure where we stand at this point.

I don’t know about her but I got tired of the stupid, repetitive cycles that play out between our friend group almost daily, in particular between her and her boyfriend. Every since they started dating it just feels like I no longer have a sincere friendship with her boyfriend, who was one of my best friends prior to them dating.

A large factor of why this friendship began going down hill in my opinion is maturity and circumstance. Once I left high school, we were no longer required to see each other everyday which definitely takes a toll on ones friendship. There is also a distinct difference between the maturity level of college kids and high schoolers. Even though technically I’m the same age as those in high school, due to constantly being surrounded by college people at work and school, I’ve grown up immensely. It’s not that I feel like I’m better then my high school friends, I just feel like we are on two different levels and in two different places in our lives. None of my friends have jobs or the same amount of freedom I do so all these circumstances take part in how our friendships progress…or don’t.

Last night when the fight between my best friend and I broke out, I started to question if I should just back down and let the friendship remain the way it was. That was the little angel on my shoulder speaking, but the devil spoke up and told me to stand my ground because there is no reason to stay in a situation that makes you upset. Clearly my little devil shoulder was correct. I stood my ground and said exactly what I thought and felt about the the situation. She wasn’t too happy about it. Particularly because she isn’t the talking type, when you say something she doesn’t like she won’t talk about it, she will just shut you out. I noticed her trying to talk about what was being thrown out there but it clearly wasn’t working because it ended with her saying, “So how about you fuck off.” I responded with, “Sounds fantastic.”

So basically that is where our friendship stands. At “fuck off.” I’ve given it a lot of thought this morning and last night. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve become so accustomed to pain or because I’m finally wearing my big girl pants, but I’m not sad about the situation. Yes, it does hurt that I just lost my best friend but at the same time I feel freed. I feel like I am able to start fresh after spring break and grow up. I’ll be able to make new friends who may in actuality be older, but are at my same level. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and this situation is no different. The meaning will come around at some point but for now, I am able to be calm and stress free knowing the petty BS in my life is done.

Number 3

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The dreaded “my boyfriend or girlfriend is coming.” It’s one of those sayings that once you hear it, there is no coming back. I don’t know about you, but the trouble with 3rd wheeling is that you can be completely happy for the couple but you also want to cut their lips off. Ya ya ya, I get it, you guys kiss. Good for you but save the spit swapping for the bedroom because I don’t want to watch it.

I’m in a bit of a sticky situation. My two best friends are dating (weird I know). So automatically I’m always hanging out with them but the difference is now, that they are official which means “acting coupley.” The thing is, they don’t think they’re coupley in the slightest and if you tell them they are, it’s an automatic passive aggressive response or denial. There’s nothing wrong with being coupley, but do it when you don’t have one other friend their because it makes that friend (me or whoever else) feel awkward as fuck.

I wouldn’t mind it so much if it wasn’t part of this creepy cycle. Let’s give my friends some fake names to protect their identities, the girl is going to be Kat and the boy will be Zach. Here’s an average day with these two. First we’re all hanging out like normal, then Kat makes a point to say that she’s Zach’s girlfriend and how she doesn’t like the sound of it. Then she starts acting like a bitch towards Zach, then Zach gets pissy and either pouts or tries to leave. This causes Kat to get clingy, which secretly all their other friends think is part of Zach’s plan because he wants her to be all over him. Zach ignores her clinginess for a bit, then gives in acting all lovey back. Finally, they kiss and makeup…either making things weird for those around them or they leave to go do “other things.” If they don’t kiss and makeup, it ends in Kat being really mad and then leaving.

It’s a repetitive, dysfunctional cycle that personally I don’t understand. It’s not something any of our friends are willing to come forward and tell them because they’re the type of people to dismiss you if you dare criticize them on a very personal level, plus they aren’t big on talking about issues either. It’s a tough situation to be in because it’s a constant struggle to maintain these friendships. There are boundaries and lines you can’t cross, yet sometimes it seems impossible not to cross them. In other words, the struggle is real.

Family Feud

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So because I was 16 when my parents split, I was able to make the choice on wether or not I wanted to go back and forth between my mom and dad’s house every other week. I chose not too because first off that would be such a hassle and secondly, I’m not a fan of my dad after what went down with my family. My brother on the other hand was forced to do that. He’s been doing it for the last year or so and it never really affected me but I’m starting to notice some annoying habits my mom has been creating during the week my brother is here.

It seems like when he comes, it instantly becomes spoil Phoenix week. Like everything that we had planned or had going on is dropped to take him surfing or something. It really annoys me. My mom says it’s not as big of a deal as I’m making it because the week that he isn’t here, I get spoiled. I wouldn’t really say that’s true since my schedule basically stays the same week to week. Also there’s the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever seen my brother clean something at my moms house, where as I get yelled at and loose privileges if I don’t clean the bathroom or something.

What it looks like to me, is that my mom is trying to get my brother to like her more than my dad. Which I don’t see how that would even be a question since he sucks but whatever, that’s my brothers prerogative. I think he just needs to stop trying to please both of them and think independently because he’s just scared to hurt my dad’s feelings which is dumb because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have any.

“Okay”

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A lot of people have very different ideas of what’s “okay.” These ideas greatly depend on how you grow up but I’d say one of the biggest areas where’s issues on what is okay and whats not are in regards to sexuality. I don’t get why, we’re all sexual beings, each of us was created from sex so what’s the big deal?

For instance, I have this one friend whose parents are extremely stringent. It’s as if they forgot they had to have sex to make her. She and I went on this trip to Mexico with our school to build houses. Of course we thought, hey maybe it’d be fun to have sex in a foreign country, so we bought some condoms are a gas station just in case the opportunity arose. We didn’t end up using them with anyone so she took them home. She emptied the actual condoms into a secret box and hid the condom box inside some trash and put it at the bottom of her trash can. Then when her mom took the trash out, she dug through it, found the box and confronted my friend. Honestly when she told me that, I was just in awe. I didn’t know people’s were that damn nosey.

It’s weird for me personally to be in homes or places where sexuality isn’t openly accepted. I grew up in a household were it was always an available topic of discussion. So when I’m at my friends houses where I can’t openly say “fuck” or talk about sex it’s almost shocking because I’m so accustomed to being really open. It makes me wonder how I will be as a parent and if I’ll be as open with my kids as my mom was with me. I can only hope so because during the time when my parents weren’t as open, I went a tad downhill and I wouldn’t wish that upon my kids when I have them.

 

Joost Do It

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I’ve recently made the decision to become a straight edge. In other words, be sober, but I feel that saying I’m sober now has a negative connotation relating to being an addict which I wasn’t in any way. I’m just making the choice to lead a healthier life style. It includes eating clean, working out at least once a day, not putting toxins into my body (alcohol and drugs), getting plenty of sleep, focussing on work and school and overall maintaining a positive attitude.

Negativity just simply isn’t part of how I live now. I’ve recently been given some awesome opportunities and have decided to maintain my positive attitude on a daily basis. This new me has also really helped with my anxiety. I haven’t had any anxiety attacks for a while now and I’ve felt very at ease, which is something I need. Maintaining calmness is key with me. I just started yoga too which absolutely amazing. It’s crazy how sore it made me though.

The decision to be sober was sparked from meeting someone who has kept their straight edge lifestyle throughout their whole life. They are the same age as me and it really seems like he has his shit together which is something I admire. Talking to him made me want to do the same so I made the decision and I’m sticking with it. I didn’t drink at all last weekend and it felt really good. I feel clean and I have tons of energy all the time now because I don’t have any toxins in me.

I think this new life style is what’s best for me. I’m able to get everything on my To Do lists done and be happy while doing it. It’s probably the best decision I’ve made in a long time.

Adios Pelotas

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Yesterday my 4 month of old kitten, Prince Charles, got his balls snipped. No babies for him…or spraying. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so sad since we got him. He just mopes around the house, bumping into things with his little cone. I wish there was something I could do but there isn’t. He has to keep the cone on for another day because he isn’t allowed to lick his little wounds. My mom and I are doing everything we can make him feel better. Lots of homemade food and snuggles for my little Prince.

Due to the fact that I’m seeing my kitty with a cone around his neck everyday now, I’ve been quite curious what it must be like. No…I did not go buy a person sized cone to wear around for a day, although the thought did cross my mind. It just seems like it sucks, I mean your eye sight is messed up, your body movements are constricted and you can’t groom yourself. I think for me personally the grooming issue would be the worst because I’m the type of person who loves to be clean and if I can’t get clean there is a possibility of an anxiety attack.

Any suggestions on how to make his recovery easier for him? I love my little kitten and I hate to see him suffering.

I Cantaloupe

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Marriage is a beautiful thing, its the uniting of two individuals to create one. I don’t think marriage should be rushed or done through betrayal. Which is precisely why I will not be attending my step-father’s wedding in Mexico this summer.

My biological pops isn’t in the picture, he dipped out when I was born and I’ve only met him once, ironically, I never want to meet him again. So when I was three my mom introduced me to the guy she’d been dating, Todd. They continued dating for the next 12 years and I consider him my father, but due to recent circumstances the common term I used for him, “dad”, is now consciously being changed to “step-dad.” Simply due to the fact that I think he is an asshole. (Sorry to be so blunt)

You see, he and my mom never got married…aka he never proposed and then after a solid 12 years of togetherness he goes and cheats on her. I have a little brother so because of us my parents worked things out and stayed together, but history repeats itself and he cheated again…and again. Finally my parents split up.

Then came the hard part, my younger brother was destroyed by it and that was the hardest thing for me to witness, and the fact that my mother was so hurt by it all. My step-dad acted as if none of it mattered and it wasn’t his fault, that’s why I think he is an ass. Custody became and issue and because I’m old enough legally to make those decisions, I live with my mom full time where sadly, my little brother has to go back and forth each week.

Once again my step-dad broke trust when he introduced his new girlfriend to my brother and I before the agreed 6 months of dating my parents had discussed. Another reason to think he’s a jerk. I choose to distance myself from him and his new family. His girlfriend…well now fiance, has a daughter who just so happens to be very close in age to the time my step-dad took me on, ironic huh?

The thing about my step-dad is, he wants but he won’t give. I don’t play that way. If you want something from me, you must give effort back and I will reciprocate especially when it comes to having a relationship. I won’t do a one sided relationship, either both parties put effort in or I’m out. I initially tried and didn’t get anything in return so I gave up. Having a relationship with him is no longer important to me, but now he’s putting in half assed effort and expects me to be all for it and attend his wedding with some woman he’s known for less than a year…no thank you.

Drunk in Distance

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Long distance man…it’s one of those things where all the normal dating rules are suddenly thrown into a blender and it’s up to you to add new ingredients to keep it tasty.

I’ve never been able to wrap my brain around the concept of long distance relationships. How are you able to stay so in love when you can’t even hug each other on a daily basis? I guess that’s true love if there is such a thing. Many believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder, maybe it’s true in love.

The first time I ever tried anything remotely close to long distance was my freshman year of high school. Lets be blunt, it was NOT long distance, my boyfriend just sucked. He graduated high school and was starting college at SBCC (keep in mind, it’s literally 10 minutes away from the local high school) and he dumped me because “we were never going to see each other now that he’s a college kid.” Of course I was heartbroken but hey, looking back on it now I realize he was a freshman in college and I was a sophomore in high school…big difference and it just made the most sense for us to breakup.

History repeats itself. Once again I began dating a senior. He graduated, we dated all summer blah blah blah, you know the deal and then August rolled around. He was getting ready to move out to the dorms at Cal Poly. I was totally supportive and firmly believed we could do “long distance” (it’s 2 hours away from where I live so it’s not really long distance either). About a month in I was so done. He was lying to me and things just weren’t working out. We hardly visited each other and it wasn’t the type of relationship I wanted to continue. I ended things and that’s when shit hit the fan, but I’ll save that for another post. It deserves it’s own.

So what makes long distance worth while? I guess that’s up to the individual to decide. If you really do love someone, I think it could work as long as there is extremely open communication and honesty between the two. It’s not something that’s right for everyone though. If your the type, like me, who needs affection in more physical ways like hugging and kissing, it could be quite difficult to maintain something long distance.

It’s funny though, sometimes someone comes around who can change your entire opinion on things such as long distance. I met Alex (the kid I’ve been writing about in my more recent posts) who lives in Ohio and I fell for him in about 2 days. Suddenly I’m all for a long distance relationship. Why? I ask myself that daily. I think it’s simply because something felt right. It’s a gamble but maybe that’s just how it feels to be drunk in love.

Define “Date”

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What does it mean to go on a “date”? Like who made up the rules to say that this is a date and that isn’t, it doesn’t seem that logical but the boundaries are there so what are they?

As stereotypical as this is, a big part of what makes it a date or not revolves around who pays. It’s socially accepted that if the boy pays then it’s a date. I disagree. Money is money, it’s not as if the boys money is better because it’s in the pocket of the person with the penis so why does who pays define the romantic level of the encounter. It’s stupid to think it can only be a date if the boy pays…what if your girlfriend wants to take you out! It’s still a date.

There’s also the “where are you going” aspect. I’ve met people who think going to the movies to make-out the whole time is a date…I’ve been on those kinds of dates, they aren’t fun…that is NOT a date. If I wanted to just tongue tango with you, we should have just gone to a park or someones house. There is really no need to pay $20 bucks if a kiss is all you want. I’ve always wondered if it makes the guy feel like less of an asshole if he pays for something for you prior to kissing you instead of just going for it. Just food for thought 😉

When it comes to a date, there shouldn’t be any rules or regulations. It should be about two people getting to know one another and seeing if there’s a spark. Chemistry isn’t built through the movies or dinners, it isn’t built at all. If there is chemistry it will be there naturally and both parties will feel it. There is no need to make a fuss about who asks for the check, if through that little outing you found something worth asking for date two, the goal has been met.