Joost Do It

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I’ve recently made the decision to become a straight edge. In other words, be sober, but I feel that saying I’m sober now has a negative connotation relating to being an addict which I wasn’t in any way. I’m just making the choice to lead a healthier life style. It includes eating clean, working out at least once a day, not putting toxins into my body (alcohol and drugs), getting plenty of sleep, focussing on work and school and overall maintaining a positive attitude.

Negativity just simply isn’t part of how I live now. I’ve recently been given some awesome opportunities and have decided to maintain my positive attitude on a daily basis. This new me has also really helped with my anxiety. I haven’t had any anxiety attacks for a while now and I’ve felt very at ease, which is something I need. Maintaining calmness is key with me. I just started yoga too which absolutely amazing. It’s crazy how sore it made me though.

The decision to be sober was sparked from meeting someone who has kept their straight edge lifestyle throughout their whole life. They are the same age as me and it really seems like he has his shit together which is something I admire. Talking to him made me want to do the same so I made the decision and I’m sticking with it. I didn’t drink at all last weekend and it felt really good. I feel clean and I have tons of energy all the time now because I don’t have any toxins in me.

I think this new life style is what’s best for me. I’m able to get everything on my To Do lists done and be happy while doing it. It’s probably the best decision I’ve made in a long time.

Adios Pelotas

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Yesterday my 4 month of old kitten, Prince Charles, got his balls snipped. No babies for him…or spraying. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so sad since we got him. He just mopes around the house, bumping into things with his little cone. I wish there was something I could do but there isn’t. He has to keep the cone on for another day because he isn’t allowed to lick his little wounds. My mom and I are doing everything we can make him feel better. Lots of homemade food and snuggles for my little Prince.

Due to the fact that I’m seeing my kitty with a cone around his neck everyday now, I’ve been quite curious what it must be like. No…I did not go buy a person sized cone to wear around for a day, although the thought did cross my mind. It just seems like it sucks, I mean your eye sight is messed up, your body movements are constricted and you can’t groom yourself. I think for me personally the grooming issue would be the worst because I’m the type of person who loves to be clean and if I can’t get clean there is a possibility of an anxiety attack.

Any suggestions on how to make his recovery easier for him? I love my little kitten and I hate to see him suffering.

I Cantaloupe

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Marriage is a beautiful thing, its the uniting of two individuals to create one. I don’t think marriage should be rushed or done through betrayal. Which is precisely why I will not be attending my step-father’s wedding in Mexico this summer.

My biological pops isn’t in the picture, he dipped out when I was born and I’ve only met him once, ironically, I never want to meet him again. So when I was three my mom introduced me to the guy she’d been dating, Todd. They continued dating for the next 12 years and I consider him my father, but due to recent circumstances the common term I used for him, “dad”, is now consciously being changed to “step-dad.” Simply due to the fact that I think he is an asshole. (Sorry to be so blunt)

You see, he and my mom never got married…aka he never proposed and then after a solid 12 years of togetherness he goes and cheats on her. I have a little brother so because of us my parents worked things out and stayed together, but history repeats itself and he cheated again…and again. Finally my parents split up.

Then came the hard part, my younger brother was destroyed by it and that was the hardest thing for me to witness, and the fact that my mother was so hurt by it all. My step-dad acted as if none of it mattered and it wasn’t his fault, that’s why I think he is an ass. Custody became and issue and because I’m old enough legally to make those decisions, I live with my mom full time where sadly, my little brother has to go back and forth each week.

Once again my step-dad broke trust when he introduced his new girlfriend to my brother and I before the agreed 6 months of dating my parents had discussed. Another reason to think he’s a jerk. I choose to distance myself from him and his new family. His girlfriend…well now fiance, has a daughter who just so happens to be very close in age to the time my step-dad took me on, ironic huh?

The thing about my step-dad is, he wants but he won’t give. I don’t play that way. If you want something from me, you must give effort back and I will reciprocate especially when it comes to having a relationship. I won’t do a one sided relationship, either both parties put effort in or I’m out. I initially tried and didn’t get anything in return so I gave up. Having a relationship with him is no longer important to me, but now he’s putting in half assed effort and expects me to be all for it and attend his wedding with some woman he’s known for less than a year…no thank you.

Drunk in Distance

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Long distance man…it’s one of those things where all the normal dating rules are suddenly thrown into a blender and it’s up to you to add new ingredients to keep it tasty.

I’ve never been able to wrap my brain around the concept of long distance relationships. How are you able to stay so in love when you can’t even hug each other on a daily basis? I guess that’s true love if there is such a thing. Many believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder, maybe it’s true in love.

The first time I ever tried anything remotely close to long distance was my freshman year of high school. Lets be blunt, it was NOT long distance, my boyfriend just sucked. He graduated high school and was starting college at SBCC (keep in mind, it’s literally 10 minutes away from the local high school) and he dumped me because “we were never going to see each other now that he’s a college kid.” Of course I was heartbroken but hey, looking back on it now I realize he was a freshman in college and I was a sophomore in high school…big difference and it just made the most sense for us to breakup.

History repeats itself. Once again I began dating a senior. He graduated, we dated all summer blah blah blah, you know the deal and then August rolled around. He was getting ready to move out to the dorms at Cal Poly. I was totally supportive and firmly believed we could do “long distance” (it’s 2 hours away from where I live so it’s not really long distance either). About a month in I was so done. He was lying to me and things just weren’t working out. We hardly visited each other and it wasn’t the type of relationship I wanted to continue. I ended things and that’s when shit hit the fan, but I’ll save that for another post. It deserves it’s own.

So what makes long distance worth while? I guess that’s up to the individual to decide. If you really do love someone, I think it could work as long as there is extremely open communication and honesty between the two. It’s not something that’s right for everyone though. If your the type, like me, who needs affection in more physical ways like hugging and kissing, it could be quite difficult to maintain something long distance.

It’s funny though, sometimes someone comes around who can change your entire opinion on things such as long distance. I met Alex (the kid I’ve been writing about in my more recent posts) who lives in Ohio and I fell for him in about 2 days. Suddenly I’m all for a long distance relationship. Why? I ask myself that daily. I think it’s simply because something felt right. It’s a gamble but maybe that’s just how it feels to be drunk in love.

Closing Doors

 

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Relationships all have a start and an end…the key to surviving them is to know how to move on. I was in a relationship for 8 months and when I wasn’t happy anymore, I ended things. In the beginning I didn’t think moving on would be possible…#foreveralone. I soon realized that my happiness comes from myself, not having some boy in my life.

Getting over someone is very abstract. Everyone has their own ways to do it. I tried the whole rebound scene…wasn’t for me and then I tried the “just do you” tactic. That one worked magic. When I took a step back and focused on myself everything just started going my way. I focused on school, my health and my friends. Giving those aspects of life my all, but I still secretly wanted a companion…it wasn’t the thing driving me though.

I finally just decided after a few not so spectacular dates that I wasn’t going to look anymore. If I was destined to meet someone it would happen. To my surprise I met an amazing guy at the photo shoot I did in LA this past weekend and it’s made me feel a way I haven’t in an extremely long time..that’s how I know it’s real.

I moved on from my ex, but it was made clear that he hadn’t done the same today. He asked to have lunch so I agreed because I thought we were going to work it out and be friends. After we ate, he told me we couldn’t have any contact because it was too hard too see me happy or with someone else because he wasn’t. He explained that he still wasn’t over me and I didn’t know what to say because all my feelings towards him were gone. I agreed to his requests and it was the best choice I could have made. It feels like the door to that area of my past has been closed for good. Its quite refreshing in fact.

Now that my past has been settled, I am ready to move forward completely. I knew I was okay before and ready to live my life but knowing that I won’t have to deal with that experience ever again puts me at ease. Everything has been settled and it’s time for me to open a new chapter in my life.

Omission

Lies are lies, plain and simple. A common misconception is that lying by omission doesn’t count… that’s just incorrect. Clearly if it’s something you aren’t willing to say out loud and just because you don’t say it doesn’t make it okay. I’m not going to say I’ve never lied before because that would be a gigantic lie in and of itself but I’ve learned my lesson…when you lie, it ALWAYS comes and bites you in the ass later. So I try to avoid lying at all costs, it’s proven to be a good choice because I haven’t been in trouble lately and my relationships with the people that matter are stronger than ever.

I think in my life there have been a few lies that have stuck out more than others. When I think lying by omission, my mind goes straight to the moment my brother spoke the words, “Oh yeah dad is engaged.”

Apparently, without letting anyone know, my dad proposed to his girlfriend of 6 months. Let me just mention that he and my mother were together for 13 years and he never popped the question. That thought disgusts me, but more than that, the idea that he wouldn’t even have the courage to tell me to my face that he did it. I just don’t understand, how can someone do that to another person? Your going to try to get me to like your girlfriend but you won’t even tell me that your planning to wife her up, it’s just uncanny.

What frustrated me was the fact that I found out a couple weeks prior to my 17th birthday. I hadn’t talked to my dad in weeks but he asked to take me to dinner for my birthday, I said yes but only if my brother and a couple friends could come. He agreed. He took us all out to my favorite sushi restaurant and the entire time I knew that he was engaged, yet through that entire night he neglected to mention it. That is something I will never comprehend. It was also the moment I knew he had lost the little amount of respect I had left for him after cheating on my mom.

It’s funny, everyone I’ve talked to now that my parent’s are split up tell me the same thing. They all thought my dad was a lair and untrustworthy…even a little slimy, but no one was willing to speak up. When in fact, their words may have saved my family so much trouble. Through this, through all the pain, I took an important lesson away. That being, no matter how hard it may be to tell someone the truth, it’s better to do so than speak lies and in turn destroy what could have never been broken.

The New Side

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There comes a day in everyones life when everything changes, for many graduating high school and heading to college is that time. In my case, I opted to jump into college halfway through my junior year.

I’m confident that I can do well in college but it’s a whole new world. A college desk is no different than a high school desk and you still feel like the “new kid” walking around, it’s a strange place to be at 17. Walking around campus yesterday I started to become nostalgic, missing high school, my friends and that feeling of belonging. What’s ironic is that I hated high school and wanted out so badly but suddenly when I got my chance and it all began, I started to wonder if I made the right choice.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed in my life. Trying to crash 3 different English classes and not being able to get into any, struggling to figure out a schedule that will work and having to do all my homework and work on top of that…it’s a lot. I’ve always wanted to be an “adult” and be treated like one…it’s finally starting to happen and it’s not as fun as one would think. I’m trying to take a step back from it all and relax, allow myself to realize it’s all out of my control but it’s so hard to let go of the reigns when it feels like your future is on the line.