Spreading the Love

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Today I assisted some friends in a little film project they had to do. The theme…adventure.

Now that’s a pretty broad theme, we could have chosen anything to film but we decided to do this. We headed to staples, got a couple posters and a pink marker, then headed home. We made a couple signs that said “Free Hugs and Kisses, You Choose.” We got the idea from a Tumblr post we saw where this guy stood on the corner holding a sign saying Free Kisses.

Honestly, the experience was pretty fucking cool. We wondered around filming the adventure. First we got mauled by a group of 50 or so little kids on a field trip who wanted free hugs. Then I got a smooch from one of the guys in this group of what I think were lifeguards because they were all wearing red. Continuing on we both got a bunch of hugs. Then I got another kiss from this skater boy standing, talking on his phone. He went in for the smooch and then dipped me, it was pretty cute not going to lie.

We continued strolling around, getting all kinds of hugs and kisses on the cheek. One woman went up to my friend David and hugged him super tight, saying it was just one of those days where she needed a hug. It melted all of our hearts. By the end of the day, it didn’t become about getting the best shots or anything, it became about putting a smile on peoples facing and giving them a pick me up.

We did get some really cool shots though and the video, once edited should turn out awesome! It was one for the books. One crazy adventure.

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Duly Noted

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We all deal with those passive aggressive folks who are a part of our daily life. I think it’s one of the things that makes human beings so strong; I mean dealing with those kinds of idiots all day makes for a thick skin. Being passive aggressive is probably one of the most irritating qualities a person can have. Seriously, if your going to be aggressive just be straight forward so the rest of us don’t have to deal with the underlying bullshit that is an automatic response to passive aggressive remarks.

I would say I’m lucky in a sense because I don’t have to deal with too many passive aggressive people. My dad is definitely like this but since I made the choice not to have him in my life that’s not an issue. On the other hand, my best friend is totally like this. I don’t know what she has to be mad at me about since I’ve never done anything to her but she always manages to throw out snide remarks about my past (family life, past boys, mistakes I’ve made etc.). It’s really fucking annoying because I don’t see why someone who wears the title of Best Friend would do that and it’s clear she doesn’t recognize it because I’ve confronted her about it and she “has no idea what I’m talking about.”

The issue is shedding light on the important issue of friendships and what makes them last. Ours has had a very rocky past but we got through it and are now very close I think, but now that she’s all wrapped up with her boyfriend, I just feel I’m in the need of another friend. One who can actually do things with me that doesn’t constantly need her boyfriend there by her side. Don’t get me wrong, I totally support couples and sticking with your partner, but using them as a crutch is different.

Sexuality

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Sexuality is something that overall as a person, I’m extremely comfortable talking about. Nothing anyone could say would make me uncomfortable or feel different about them, I don’t care who your attracted too. I don’t think sexuality can be clearly defined. It’s a blurry line that can change over and over, nothing is set in stone.

For myself, I have identified as straight for my entire life…until now. I’m coming out as bisexual. I know that is a risky move to do on the internet, I mean the only people I’ve flat out told about it are my friends. None of them have any issues with it, in fact, they all thought that was the case already. Mostly due to the fact that when I drink, I tend to hit on my best friend and we make out a lot so it’s been made clear that being intimate with the same sex doesn’t bother me.

Bisexuality in particular is something, that I don’t really see the need to “come out” for. I mean everyone looks at the same sex and admires them in one way or another, so why define something like that? Maybe for some, the feelings are a little bit stronger, it’s more of a lustful feeling vs an admiration.

The question of whether or not I am actually bisexual or not as been something I’ve been asking myself for a while. I don’t really understand the concept of defining ones sexuality, I’ve just always thought whoever you feel attracted too, then go for it. I’m wondering if the reason I couldn’t say yes or no to being bisexual before was because I was scared or something, which doesn’t make sense because my friends are super open and so is my family. I think it was just coming I had to become comfortable with in my mind because it’s never been an issue with anyone else, so it was kind of strange having it be about myself; if that makes any sense.

It’s a cool feeling. I came out to all my friends today officially and I just feel invigorated. I feel stronger as a person being able to fully accept everything about myself and really be true to myself. It’s a really cool feeling.

Irony

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In a recent turn of events 3 people I may have considered my friends have faded away…more like kicked out. See, 2 of these girls are foreigners who are staying in Santa Barbara for school and one is a guy who lives here, who might I ad, is one of the douschiest human beings alive.

Basically what happened is that one of the girls started dating the American boy and the other German girl had a boyfriend back home. When the American boy’s girlfriend went back to Germany, he hooked up with the German girl who already had a boyfriend, who was also his girlfriends best friend. Overall, it’s an extremely fucked up situation and I truly feel bad for the girl back in Germany who has no idea her boyfriend and best friend cheated with each other.

Irony comes into the situation when I was scrolling through my Instagram feed yesterday morning. Apparently, her boyfriend and best friend sent her letters and shirts to Germany for her birthday. Clearly the letters didn’t explain the fact that they hooked up but I guess that is their prerogative, I just think it’s messed up. She said in her little Insta caption, how the letters made her cry and how much she missed them and then tagged them both. I just thought it was ironic that she was crying from their letters when in reality she should be crying about the fact that they are both fucked up people.

Number 3

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The dreaded “my boyfriend or girlfriend is coming.” It’s one of those sayings that once you hear it, there is no coming back. I don’t know about you, but the trouble with 3rd wheeling is that you can be completely happy for the couple but you also want to cut their lips off. Ya ya ya, I get it, you guys kiss. Good for you but save the spit swapping for the bedroom because I don’t want to watch it.

I’m in a bit of a sticky situation. My two best friends are dating (weird I know). So automatically I’m always hanging out with them but the difference is now, that they are official which means “acting coupley.” The thing is, they don’t think they’re coupley in the slightest and if you tell them they are, it’s an automatic passive aggressive response or denial. There’s nothing wrong with being coupley, but do it when you don’t have one other friend their because it makes that friend (me or whoever else) feel awkward as fuck.

I wouldn’t mind it so much if it wasn’t part of this creepy cycle. Let’s give my friends some fake names to protect their identities, the girl is going to be Kat and the boy will be Zach. Here’s an average day with these two. First we’re all hanging out like normal, then Kat makes a point to say that she’s Zach’s girlfriend and how she doesn’t like the sound of it. Then she starts acting like a bitch towards Zach, then Zach gets pissy and either pouts or tries to leave. This causes Kat to get clingy, which secretly all their other friends think is part of Zach’s plan because he wants her to be all over him. Zach ignores her clinginess for a bit, then gives in acting all lovey back. Finally, they kiss and makeup…either making things weird for those around them or they leave to go do “other things.” If they don’t kiss and makeup, it ends in Kat being really mad and then leaving.

It’s a repetitive, dysfunctional cycle that personally I don’t understand. It’s not something any of our friends are willing to come forward and tell them because they’re the type of people to dismiss you if you dare criticize them on a very personal level, plus they aren’t big on talking about issues either. It’s a tough situation to be in because it’s a constant struggle to maintain these friendships. There are boundaries and lines you can’t cross, yet sometimes it seems impossible not to cross them. In other words, the struggle is real.

Definition Douche Bag

There are some people in life your forced to be around, due to mutual friends, school or work. Most the time we are able to become friends with them due to the circumstances but sometimes the friendship is only one sided.

I have my core group of friends and the circle is slightly bigger than it normally would due to the fact that one of my best friends has a lot of other friends who I hang out with because I hang out with him. I really don’t mind, most of his friends are nice and have become my friends as well, but there a couple who clearly embrace their natural douche bagness.

Through hanging with my best friend I became close with one of his best friends, who then become a good friend of mine…so I thought. I don’t think he does it intentionally, I think it’s just part of his personality to be a dick, but he tends to say things that are completely disrespectful. For example, one evening he and I were chatting while our mutual friend was in the other room and I told him I had a date that weekend and was pretty excited. He responded by asking if I was going to sleep with him after the dinner, I didn’t think much of it but I just responded no because I wasn’t going to occur. I thought he was just giving me shit about my ex boyfriend but then he proceeds to say, “Oh so your being less of a whore now that your in college.” I don’t think anyones ever been so directly rude to me. I brushed it off because it wasn’t worth the fight, but it just made the fact that he is naturally a douche bag soak in.

Though my experience with Middle College I’ve begun to realize that college is an entirely different world. No one cares what you do and they don’t blow things out of proportion. I’ve also come to realize that you really don’t have to put up with people you don’t like and simply put, I’m not going too. People who just vibe like a douche just won’t be a part of my life anymore. I don’t care if there are mutual friends involved, they don’t have to be my friend simply because they’re one of my best friends friends. Middle College has somehow boosted my level of confidence and ability to stand up for myself. I don’t put up with peoples bullshit anymore and don’t let people push me around and it’s given me the best feeling ever. No one needs people in their lives who don’t want to be there and it’s become pretty easy to identify those who don’t want in.

2+1=Third Wheeling

We’ve all got our best friend, lucky for me I have two…who are dating. It’s a strange dynamic. They’re each considered my best friend but now that they’re together it’s kind of weird. I don’t want to think that things have changed in any way but they have. I can’t put it into words because it’s something unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

For the most part I know everything about each of them, yet I also know every detail about the two as a couple. What used to be three best friends hanging out has now become a time where I feel strange and like I either need a date or another friend to tag along so it isn’t third wheeling. It shouldn’t feel that way because I’m insanely happy for the both of them because I know this should have happened a while ago, but now that the time has come it’s not in the slightest how I expected.

They say when your in a relationship you see all the happy single people and when your single you see all the happy couples about. I’d say that statement is pretty accurate. I semi-recently got out of a long term relationship that ended with an assault and my ex heading to prison, so being single has been pretty fantastic. I’ve taken full advantage of it and have been working to better myself, earn money and go on a few dates here and there. I’ve been enjoying being single, more than I ever have before in fact, but when I see my two best friends so happily in love it makes me miss having that feeling.

It’s strange because getting close to someone and letting them in has been extremely difficult lately. Under normal circumstances, I fall fast, easily open up and fall in love quickly, but under the recent circumstances it hasn’t been easy. I don’t trust people because I trusted my ex with all my heart and I realized he wasn’t the person I thought he was after we broke up and it makes me question everyone and everything. It’s almost as if the experience with his assault and arrest has made me loose faith in men, which isn’t something I want. I want to feel secure alone and then be able to let someone in. At this moment, I feel something I haven’t felt in a while and that is the feeling of being okay on my own.

The thing with having my two best friends dating that sucks is the fact that I can’t seem to get alone time with either of them. It’s like my girl bff and I set up a movie date and then I get the text, “Oh, I invited my boyfriend cause we were on the phone and he wanted something to do.” It’s hard to get mad because I know I would probably do the same but it just frustrates me because I’ve been in the middle of their relationship the entire time they’ve been “talking” which has been about a year and half. It just gets really annoying when I can’t seem to do something with just one of them, it’s always doing something together. They aren’t big on PDA as a couple but even so, I can’t help but feel like I’m third wheeling all the time when were all hanging out.

I can’t hep but feel scared. I don’t want to loose either of them as my friends, that would kill me. It just feels like something is going to go wrong. Either they will grow stronger together and I’ll slowly fade out of the picture or they’ll break up and I’ll be forced to take sides, no matter what I loose. If anyone out there is reading this and has faced a similar situation please feel free to give me some advice on how to handle this all, I’d really appreciate it.