Sea of Separation

I’ve seen divorce, seen the kids broken down, seen families fall to pieces in the blink of an eye…never did I think I’d fall next. I watched my parents fight for years before it began to hit me that they may separate. That day came in November of 2012. Shocked and heartbroken I sat and watched my mom fall apart. I stood strong, trying to mask all my feelings on the subject; I felt it was my job to be the rock.

My mom and I got closer as time passed and she told me the reason for their split. My “father” had been cheating. Hearing that broke my heart… I’ll admit to my flaws and mistakes, I’ve cheated but I’ve also been cheated on and in no way could I imagine being betrayed by the person I’d loved for 13 years.

My hatred for my father began to increase as time went on. I didn’t and still don’t understand…he’s my dad and he just left me standing the shit storm. He didn’t even look back. I never wanted to lose our relationship but suddenly it all disappeared right before my eyes when I told him I didn’t want to move back and forth each week. The contact between us just stopped and without even realizing it, he became nothing more than a wallet to me. I think the hardest part for me to swallow was when I found out he was engaged from my little brother and that the woman had a 5 year old daughter. She replaced me and even if he doesn’t want to admit to it or see it, his actions make it perfectly clear.

You see, my what I guess is technically my step father, took me on when I was 3 years old. I don’t remember that day exactly but when I think about it now, I think about how I finally got a dad, someone to look up to and to have there for me through thick and thin. I was wrong.

Divorce hasn’t done all bad to me… my mom and I’s relationship has never been stronger in my opinion, but it’s hard sometimes when I see how much it affects her. She’s there for me through it all but she snaps. Not violently, but she will get upset about seemingly meaningless things and lash out at my brother and I with words. Now I admit, sometimes those thing’s are my fault or I provoke them but it still hurts. I already lost my dad, I can’t loose her too.

Plain and simple, divorce sucks. It takes a toll on the 2 adults involved but I think it affects the kids the most. Being a child coming from a divorced home, I am bias but don’t ever think for a second that it doesn’t kill us inside everyday. The thing about kids from divorced families, is we learn better than anyone how to hide our emotions because even if no on will openly admit to it, we feel responsible and feel we must be the anchor in the rocky sea of separation.

The New Side

IMG_6078

 

There comes a day in everyones life when everything changes, for many graduating high school and heading to college is that time. In my case, I opted to jump into college halfway through my junior year.

I’m confident that I can do well in college but it’s a whole new world. A college desk is no different than a high school desk and you still feel like the “new kid” walking around, it’s a strange place to be at 17. Walking around campus yesterday I started to become nostalgic, missing high school, my friends and that feeling of belonging. What’s ironic is that I hated high school and wanted out so badly but suddenly when I got my chance and it all began, I started to wonder if I made the right choice.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed in my life. Trying to crash 3 different English classes and not being able to get into any, struggling to figure out a schedule that will work and having to do all my homework and work on top of that…it’s a lot. I’ve always wanted to be an “adult” and be treated like one…it’s finally starting to happen and it’s not as fun as one would think. I’m trying to take a step back from it all and relax, allow myself to realize it’s all out of my control but it’s so hard to let go of the reigns when it feels like your future is on the line.