Family Dynamic

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Families are so fucking crazy. The bonds you have with your family members are some of the strongest but they’re also some of the most complicated. As a kid all the emotions that correlate with the family dynamic are amplified.

There are a ton of different types of families. Some are more conservative, some are pretty out there, some strict, some laid back, some crazy and some just plain weird…the thing is we can’t see what we really have, especially as kids and teens. When your a teenager, especially in high school, you look at everyone else and wish you had their life and their family. They seem “perfect.” That isn’t real. It look a long time to learn this, but EVERY family has their issues, some are just better at hiding them.

Here’s a shortened version of my family life. My mom got pregnant with me at 25, my biological father’s mother wanted me aborted and my biological dad wasn’t close to being ready to be a parent. My mom kept me, clearly ha. She met my step dad when I was three and when I was five I got a little brother. My family was pretty nice, not too strict but we definitely had rules…most of them coming from my dad because my mom’s very laid back. My step dad had apparently been cheating for years and finally my parents split up after being together for 14 years. Now they’re divorced and don’t talk. My brother goes back and forth between households each week and I live with my mom full time with basically zero contact with my step dad. There’s the gist.

The thing about my family is the current relationship between my mother and step dad really cause the most problems. My step dad basically broke every agreement they made regarding introducing my brother and I too new partners and rules for the kids. So there is so trust there. It causes my brother to be put in the middle because he is young and can’t/won’t stand up to my step father because he still loves him. I choose to have no contact with my step dad simply because I think he is an ass for what he did to my mother and the way he just let me go, abandoning me.

From the outside, you would have no idea. You’d just see a single mother working to support her kids, but there is so much under the surface that people on the outside can’t see. A little bit of knowledge that everyone should have is that everything is pretty on the surface…dig a little deeper and you’ll be surprised what you might find. Also, don’t talk/judge if you don’t know. So many people have their own struggles they’re dealing with and you antagonizing them about it if you don’t know the truth does nothing but hurt them.

Wet

 

 

I recently discovered this song on Instagram because it was playing in the background of my friends video. Once I heard it, I had to find the full song because I think the sound of it is so amazing. There is this edge to the song that makes it strong and powerful, yet peaceful and calming at the same time. The sound reminded my of one of Phantogram’s songs, I also really like them so I really clicked with this artist.

This song in particular really strikes me. It’s telling a story of how she is realizing she isn’t being loved anymore and how she needs to leave. I’ve been in that situation before and haven’t chosen to leave, creating deeper scared than needed. It’s an inspiring piece of music that deserves more recognition.

I found a couple other songs by them that I really like :Don’t Wanna Be Your Girl, Dreams, and Your the Best. They’re all really neat. I love the sound of the music. It’s like a crazy mixture of all types of music put in one, done in a way that is arousing to the ear.

I’ve already recommend it to 3 or 4 people solely because I think it’s fantastic and that everyone should listen to it.

Family Feud

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So because I was 16 when my parents split, I was able to make the choice on wether or not I wanted to go back and forth between my mom and dad’s house every other week. I chose not too because first off that would be such a hassle and secondly, I’m not a fan of my dad after what went down with my family. My brother on the other hand was forced to do that. He’s been doing it for the last year or so and it never really affected me but I’m starting to notice some annoying habits my mom has been creating during the week my brother is here.

It seems like when he comes, it instantly becomes spoil Phoenix week. Like everything that we had planned or had going on is dropped to take him surfing or something. It really annoys me. My mom says it’s not as big of a deal as I’m making it because the week that he isn’t here, I get spoiled. I wouldn’t really say that’s true since my schedule basically stays the same week to week. Also there’s the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever seen my brother clean something at my moms house, where as I get yelled at and loose privileges if I don’t clean the bathroom or something.

What it looks like to me, is that my mom is trying to get my brother to like her more than my dad. Which I don’t see how that would even be a question since he sucks but whatever, that’s my brothers prerogative. I think he just needs to stop trying to please both of them and think independently because he’s just scared to hurt my dad’s feelings which is dumb because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have any.

Adios Pelotas

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Yesterday my 4 month of old kitten, Prince Charles, got his balls snipped. No babies for him…or spraying. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so sad since we got him. He just mopes around the house, bumping into things with his little cone. I wish there was something I could do but there isn’t. He has to keep the cone on for another day because he isn’t allowed to lick his little wounds. My mom and I are doing everything we can make him feel better. Lots of homemade food and snuggles for my little Prince.

Due to the fact that I’m seeing my kitty with a cone around his neck everyday now, I’ve been quite curious what it must be like. No…I did not go buy a person sized cone to wear around for a day, although the thought did cross my mind. It just seems like it sucks, I mean your eye sight is messed up, your body movements are constricted and you can’t groom yourself. I think for me personally the grooming issue would be the worst because I’m the type of person who loves to be clean and if I can’t get clean there is a possibility of an anxiety attack.

Any suggestions on how to make his recovery easier for him? I love my little kitten and I hate to see him suffering.

I Cantaloupe

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Marriage is a beautiful thing, its the uniting of two individuals to create one. I don’t think marriage should be rushed or done through betrayal. Which is precisely why I will not be attending my step-father’s wedding in Mexico this summer.

My biological pops isn’t in the picture, he dipped out when I was born and I’ve only met him once, ironically, I never want to meet him again. So when I was three my mom introduced me to the guy she’d been dating, Todd. They continued dating for the next 12 years and I consider him my father, but due to recent circumstances the common term I used for him, “dad”, is now consciously being changed to “step-dad.” Simply due to the fact that I think he is an asshole. (Sorry to be so blunt)

You see, he and my mom never got married…aka he never proposed and then after a solid 12 years of togetherness he goes and cheats on her. I have a little brother so because of us my parents worked things out and stayed together, but history repeats itself and he cheated again…and again. Finally my parents split up.

Then came the hard part, my younger brother was destroyed by it and that was the hardest thing for me to witness, and the fact that my mother was so hurt by it all. My step-dad acted as if none of it mattered and it wasn’t his fault, that’s why I think he is an ass. Custody became and issue and because I’m old enough legally to make those decisions, I live with my mom full time where sadly, my little brother has to go back and forth each week.

Once again my step-dad broke trust when he introduced his new girlfriend to my brother and I before the agreed 6 months of dating my parents had discussed. Another reason to think he’s a jerk. I choose to distance myself from him and his new family. His girlfriend…well now fiance, has a daughter who just so happens to be very close in age to the time my step-dad took me on, ironic huh?

The thing about my step-dad is, he wants but he won’t give. I don’t play that way. If you want something from me, you must give effort back and I will reciprocate especially when it comes to having a relationship. I won’t do a one sided relationship, either both parties put effort in or I’m out. I initially tried and didn’t get anything in return so I gave up. Having a relationship with him is no longer important to me, but now he’s putting in half assed effort and expects me to be all for it and attend his wedding with some woman he’s known for less than a year…no thank you.

Circumstantial Change

I used to think I had Nazi’s for parents…that they were as bad as it could possibly get. I was clearly very wrong and the main reason I began to notice that was because of two things. One, most of the strictness came from my father and second, I took a look at my friends parents/family lives.

Circumstance changes everything, if the time is right things will happen that may have never occurred in the first place. My parents separation was a huge adjustment for everyone. I chose to live with my mom full time, where as my little brother goes back and forth each week. I feel like that decision may have determined the fate of my dad and I’s relationship but in turn it strengthened my mother and I’s more than ever.

I soon realized that my mothers insescent pushing to get me to communicate with her more was the key to unlocking freedom. I took a big step and finally started to talk. I told her everything about boys, my friends and I even went as far as to discuss drinking and partying. I opened the flood gates and it was probably the best choice I’ve ever made. We talk about almost everything and it’s amazing. I may not take the advice that she gives me initially but her words will stick with me and they truly do help. When my father’s opinion stopped being a concern in regards to my curfew, what I can do in my free time and basically all aspects of my freedom levels, things suddenly became immensely better. My mom trusts me and that’s one of the greatest feelings. We have an open relationship and even though there are speed bumps along the way, and I still sometimes struggle to tell the truth all the time, our relationship is better than it has ever been before.

If I could give one word of advice to anyone, but especially kids/teens, it would be “communicate.” It’s hard, I’m not going to lie, but when the walls come down and there is open communication between kids and parents everything is smoother. The circumstances surrounding my parents divorce were horrendous, but from all that pain came something that will benefit me in the rest of my life.

Communicating with my parents was always hard, especially with my dad. He isn’t mature in the sense that he can’t have a conversation without jumping into screaming and yelling mode and while my parents were together I could see it rubbed off on my mom, even though she tried hard to not be that way. That was one of the main reasons I wouldn’t talk to them about the struggles I endured during my life. There was also the fact that I didn’t want them to judge me. Everyone tells me there’s no way your parents could judge you, but thats wrong. Clearly my father judges me for not wanting to live with him and his way of showing that is by cutting me out of his life, so it’s unfair to say there is no judgement in the arena of parenthood.

I was one of the lucky ones, when I opened up to my mom she reciprocated and supported me. Other’s don’t get that same benefit. One of my best friends could never talk to her parents about anything. Her mother is slowly becoming more open but her father is even worse than mine from the stories she’s told me. He’s called his own daughter certain things that should never be said under any circumstance and by doing so he’s shut down any chance of ever having a relationship with his child. I’ve witnessed first hand my friends strict parents and all the dumb rules that are put into play, like early curfews, car monitors and constant checking in on them. None of those things work, as the famous quote goes, “strict parents create sneaky kids.”

For all the parents out there dealing with similar situations or having issues with their kids, all I can urge you to do, as a teenager myself, is talk to your kids. Give them the ability to believe in you and to trust that they are safe talking to you about even the most uncomfortable topics. It will save you from a world of complications you probably never want to deal with…believe me, I didn’t talk to my parents about my life for a while and it dragged me way down hill and now that I’m able to communicate openly, I’m at such a great place in life.

Omission

Lies are lies, plain and simple. A common misconception is that lying by omission doesn’t count… that’s just incorrect. Clearly if it’s something you aren’t willing to say out loud and just because you don’t say it doesn’t make it okay. I’m not going to say I’ve never lied before because that would be a gigantic lie in and of itself but I’ve learned my lesson…when you lie, it ALWAYS comes and bites you in the ass later. So I try to avoid lying at all costs, it’s proven to be a good choice because I haven’t been in trouble lately and my relationships with the people that matter are stronger than ever.

I think in my life there have been a few lies that have stuck out more than others. When I think lying by omission, my mind goes straight to the moment my brother spoke the words, “Oh yeah dad is engaged.”

Apparently, without letting anyone know, my dad proposed to his girlfriend of 6 months. Let me just mention that he and my mother were together for 13 years and he never popped the question. That thought disgusts me, but more than that, the idea that he wouldn’t even have the courage to tell me to my face that he did it. I just don’t understand, how can someone do that to another person? Your going to try to get me to like your girlfriend but you won’t even tell me that your planning to wife her up, it’s just uncanny.

What frustrated me was the fact that I found out a couple weeks prior to my 17th birthday. I hadn’t talked to my dad in weeks but he asked to take me to dinner for my birthday, I said yes but only if my brother and a couple friends could come. He agreed. He took us all out to my favorite sushi restaurant and the entire time I knew that he was engaged, yet through that entire night he neglected to mention it. That is something I will never comprehend. It was also the moment I knew he had lost the little amount of respect I had left for him after cheating on my mom.

It’s funny, everyone I’ve talked to now that my parent’s are split up tell me the same thing. They all thought my dad was a lair and untrustworthy…even a little slimy, but no one was willing to speak up. When in fact, their words may have saved my family so much trouble. Through this, through all the pain, I took an important lesson away. That being, no matter how hard it may be to tell someone the truth, it’s better to do so than speak lies and in turn destroy what could have never been broken.